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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 29, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PST

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>> february 28, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my same in jon stewart. we have -- my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. seestephen merchant will be on e show tonight. when his partner ricky gervais was here we had a refined conversation with raccoon and panda sex so don't know what we'll talk about tonight.
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but you may want to leave the room when we do. i'm going to say romney won arizona handelly but the big result was michigan where all four candidates were defeated by a late surprise entrance the schitcy when from i understand he made impressive promises. >> when you order the schitky you get the little one. >> jon: it's a populous message that resonates in the difficult yet schmootzy times. romney kept putting his foot in the mouth he hired sew own mouth doesn't get feet in it and santorum released a robo call telling democratic voters to vote for him since michigan's
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republican party is open to all voters and mitt romney didn't care for the tactic. >> outrageous and disgusting. it's a new low in this campaign. i think rick santorum has a lot of explaining to do. >> jon: you've got a lot of splaining to do, the close et he will get to the it will tino vote. what are the odds of the tape existing of mitt romney endorsing that very same practice, perhaps my mitt romney flip-flop finder -- [ laughter ] -- knows the answer. >> in massachusetts if you register as an independent, you can vote in either the republican or democratic primary. when there was no real contest in the republican primary i would vote for the democrat, vote for the person i thought would be the weakest opponent for a republican.
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[ laughter ] >> jon: what a disgusting thing to do. you have some splaining to do. wow. can't believe this thing was only $10 at target. look, now flip-flop finder we have romney flip-flopping on the substance but in the clip with santorum he called this practice disgusting. do you have a clip of romney perhaps from his past not only admitting to this practice of voting in someone else's primary but admitting it in a 12-year-old gleeful girly voiceç probably no what i new york city whammies. >> when you register as a independent you could vote against bill clinton. i used to vote against ted kenny. >> jon: i used to vote against ted kennedy [squealing] he has an adrenalin rush. who needs partying or cursing
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when you have cross party endorsing. i'll be up all night. that guy makes it way too (bleep) easy. [ laughter ] all right. of course, the main story tonight the economy. the dow closed above 13,000 for the first time in four years today. and that's not the only arbitrary indicator making a move this first february. >> a whole slew of good news about the economy and a record-setting day on wall street. the jobless rate inç january fl two tenths of a point to 8.3%, the lowest in three years. the economy created $243,000 jobs. the dow soared to the highest close since before the 2008 financial crisis. >> jon: you had to go and get better while obama was still in office, didn't you? you couldn't hold off nine little months. not teeny tiny little months. it's good news unless you work for a media organization whose job it is to make sure obama doesn't get reelected. you know what this means? to the return-a nateor.
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>> it's an anemic recovery. >> there ain't no recovery. >> about half the decline in the unemployment rate has come from people dropping out of work force because they are so discouraged. the real unemployment rate is well into the double digits. the economic data obama is pedaling is -- peddling is phony. >> it's how you feel in the three or four months before the election regardless of numbers, how do you feel? [ laughter ] >> jon: let me see if i get this straight, the numbers are real but they are not g. in fact, they are bad. actually they are fake. even if they were real and good it wouldn't matter because it's about how bad you feel and that's where we come in. [ laughter ] fox news -- [cheers and applause] but their early february pushback on the economic indicators is all over the
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place. you rarely see fox this disorganized. luckily on february 10th the republican national committee sent out this pundit prep document, let me show it to you. it's a document emphasizing how to mitigate any damage that may be occurring from the improved economy. it furnishes republican pundits with three key areas to focus on, the national debt, unemployment and the price of gas. let's watch and see if the february 10th planting takes root. fur playing along at home and looking for national debt, unemployment, and the price of gas. [ laughter ] >> the debt is the issue. >> why isn't the national debt the main issue? >> rising unemployment. the country is deeper in debt. >> 15% u6 unemployment. >> 8.5 unemployment and four bucks for gas. >> nobody is talking about gas prices ynch is nobody talking about this. >> $3.57 and you might be asking the question why is nobody
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talking aboutñi this? [ laughter ] >> jon: bingo! i have my whole -- why is nobody talking about this? oh, my god gretchen is unable to hear her own voice. [ laughter ] that is so tragic. for her. [ laughter ] so a lot of pundits -- a lot of pundits and news shows on fox seem to have consolidated their negative economic spin around the same three distinct data points provided by the republican national committee pundit prep note. that's not proosm you don't have oneç of fox's talking heads, i don't know reading the memo aloud much to the cha grin of one of the talking heads sitting next to them, do we? >> the rnc sees trouble for the president regarding this. they sent out something according to the papers called pundit prep for the talking
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heads to good out. they say the three best ways to define the barack obama economy, the national debt, which is skyrocketing, the unemployment which is north of 8% and gas prices. >> jon: fascinating. and while we're here mr. doocy would you like to make the pivot from revealing the game to playing it? >> and gas prices. >> they are impacting you. how has it affected you? what are you going without? e-mailzv us, we would like to know. >> jon: you can't do that. that's like hosting a show with a lab when this guy is on there. he just gave the game away. you know, they sent up a talking point which brings up a point i'd like to talk about. that ruins the game it's like second an e-mail to someone thats says hey click on this, it opens up a video of rick astley sing" never gonna give you up"
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which under most circumstances you would not expect to get. i'm not the only one who things he wasn't supposed to do that watch her laserñiñr eyes when ss reaisles he is giving up the game. >> called pundit prep for the talking heads to go out. >> jon: it's like she's giving the signal to the host wrangler. it's like dart him! dart him! >>
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>> jon: welcome become. no matter -- really, thank you. [ laughter ] no matter comp candidate wins to answer to the voter and theas voaer has the name. samantha bee has more. >> each of four remaining republican candidates hope to one day be called the most powerful man in washington. but right now that position is taken. by this guy. >> one person is controlling the april agenda of the united states of america right now and his name is grover nor quist. >> assist i feared lobbyist as head of americans for tax reform. has gotten the majority of congress to sign an oath saying they will not raise taxes under any circumstances ever. jesus christ, that's a lot of people. to find out the lifetime pledge
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his subs sworn to him i sat down with his lordship in the book lined power bunker. >> the whole point of the pledge is it's a public commitment not to raise taxes. >> >> is there a scenario in which would you be comfortable with someone raising taxes. >> no. >> right now the federal government sends 4% of g.d.p. on defense. >> natural disaster. >> your house is knocked down and the federal government raises your taxes and that makes you better off. >> beard flu? >> not familiar with that. >> what about the rise of the apes? >> if the -- look, the la did you get mate. >> if the chimps took over would you be comfortable? >> we would prefer that not to happen but -- >>ç well -- >> i think raising taxes would not stop that. >> the pledge is so rigid that even abraham lincoln would have been in violation of that his mancrush would have been in
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violation of it, too, repeatedly. this steward of public policy hasn't lost sieghtd of what is really important. >> my team is winning. if you talk to harry reid he wanted a $2.5 trillion tax increase. >> your team is winning it's like you came up with this whole idea when you were 12. >> i did when i was 12 becaused we had a teacher. >> you came up this -- what did you say you came up with this idea when you were -- >> in seventh grade.s >> the entire federal government is paralyzed because of a document written by a 12-year-old until 1968. what other gridlock inducing the ideas do you have when you were 12? >> some thing thips were simple. if one of the parties would brand itself as the party that wouldn't raise taxes that would
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be a way for the republican party to succeed. >> let's say i'm a 12-year-old girl and you're a 12-year-old boy. explain your idea about branding the republican party to me. >> okay. the goal is to make it easier for people. >> oh, my god, guys irk there's like a nerd talking to me about something. >> if you want to know who you are voting for it's helpful if there's a brand identification. >> what? >> one party wants to raise your taxes. one won't. makes it easier to choose. >> i don't know even -- i don't even know what he is saying. he has a fruit rollup in the beard. final, i'll make out with you but nothing south of equator. the republicans have him if their corner so if democrats are ever to win this fight, they need their own think tank full of 12-year-olds. i showed these political
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wonder-kins -- this is the actual thing. >> the pledge, yeah. >> this doesn't seem like something that normal people would sign. >> i would never sign a pledge wrien by a 12-year-old. it's like stupid. >> maybe i needed to spend more time connecting with them. so, teens, vam pires, huh? -- vampires, huh? justin bieber, ipods, slap bracelets, right? >> how old are you? >> how old do you think i am? >> like 53. [ laughter ] >> you just made it to the top of my (bleep) list. maybe what the democrats really needed were fresher, younger voices. all we're looking for are some ideas to solve all of america's problems forever into the future. >> sell apples.
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>> extend metro north to vermont. >> that's something. anything more global? >> robots instead of army. >> step aside norquist. you've been ççó
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight an actor and comedian. he is team his new show for hbo is called life's too short. >> just a tv, you know -- >> any actors required? >> actors. >> we will need actors for some point but not necessarily -- >> no, if we do though -- because you were in the office. >> extraz. >> whatever. we could have someone like that in the office. >> wheelchair. >> we had a wheelchair once. no. >> remember me when you are writing,ym okay. >> definitely. >> please welcome stephen merchant.
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[cheers and applause] here we are. nice to sigh. it's interesting. it's funny i see the show you look taller on television. >> yes. >> jon: i guess i expected to see someone of size. >> of stature, sure. >> jon: how does that feel? >> being tall? >> jon: yes. >> you don't need to be this big. if i weighed 500 pounds people would say that's interesting but six foot seven. >> jon: must be a burden. all this dunking. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jon: is it -- because i've always thought that there is -- you and i could make some type of bargain where we both end up around six feet. [ laughter ] >> yes. how tall are you?
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>> jon: i'm around where you are but -- >> lower. >> jon: yes. [ laughter ] >> i've beenñi most heights at different points. >> jon: what did you think -- >> six foot is a great height. it's one of my favorite heights. i would have happen lip spent time there for longer. my ideal let me tell you this now. same for six four to six six. it's a great height. >> jon: you are only one inch more. >> it's over the edge. >> jon: you felt like six six -- >> i made it. this is what i'm shooting for. six seven it's too beige big. most beds are six six. it's a pain being this tall. >> jon: what do you remember about -- and you may not remember this, what do you remember about five seven? >> i remember thinking this is a good height for a child. [ laughter ]
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that's my memory of it. >> jon: there's a certain wonderment when you are five seven it's like oh, my gosh -- you don't find out that it's snowing until everyone else does. >> sometimes, you know, if i want that magical feeling i'll just spend the day at five seven. >> jon: is it that big of a crouch? >> pretty much. >> jon: if you removed your femurs. >> right. okay, yes. >> jon: what if we shared half a femur. the things that they do now surgically. again, we can talk about this. >> what is it it for me though? if. >> jon: if there's something in your water that say narcotic of some kind and you and i were to wake up in singapore and we were six feet tall. >> you want my three inches? is that right?
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that's what you are after. [ laughter ] >> jon: i was hoping for five. [ laughter ] >> so was i.ç totally in proportion. >> jon: i understand. there's something that happens. your partner ricky ger vase was on the program. -- ricky gervais was on the program -- >> what is this about? >> about needs and wants. it's two men. >> yes. >> jon: who seemingly have so much. >> absolutely. >> jon: and yet look at us. >> the grass is always greener. >> jon: and your grass is so (bleep) green. >> thank you. i appreciate that. >> jon: brilliant. >> thank you. >> jon: are you spending time here in the states now. >> i've been in los angeles with the beautiful people where i belong. [ laughter ] >> jon: all right. >> breaking news for you.ç friday night i had my first ever
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car accident. >> jon: first ever? >> yes. >> jon: congratulations. >> thank you. no one was injured so we can laugh about it. talk about the height thing. a woman walked out in front of the car car ahead of me so i slammed my brakes but it was too late. i hit the dude in front of me because i'm so tall i have to put the seat right back. i was driving a volvo and the air bag went off but didn't reach my height. it was unbelievable, jon. [ laughter ] i sort of went -- just gave up. [ laughter ] i'm never going to make it. and it angered me. i thought the volvo was the safest car in the world. how tall are the crash test dummies. they are your height. >> jon: for me i'm not allowed to have it because it could cause a fatality. they are like it's going to
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decaptiate this poor little man. i'm so glad you are all right and i'm so glad that you are doing this show. life's too short airs sunday on hbo it's so g. i used to think ricky was a powerhouse in come by but clearly now i realize you are carrying this man. and you can tell him i said that. >> i appreciate that. >> jon: very nice to see
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